i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
two words...techno handjob
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
