Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
