remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
