So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
