I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
