Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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