Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Will exercising make me less horny?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
