Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
