Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
