I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
