I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
