all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
