I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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