so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
