it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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