turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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