Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Barsexuality is the new black.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
