Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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