I am in a vortex of obligation.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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