Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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