Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
