were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
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