At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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