I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
