I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
