Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
