just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
