Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love you. Go after that dick
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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