it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I wear drunk well.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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