We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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