I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
its liver damage thursday
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