All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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