When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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