You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
