So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
