Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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