nut hugger
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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