Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
