If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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