If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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