I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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