just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
