We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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