if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
