He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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