Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
