im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
