Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
