I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
