I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
